Living with Grief: Life Goes On, Time Stands Still - Bereavement Truth
Posted: Thursday, October 15, 2009
by Julian Price
http://www.uk-freelance-content-writer.co.uk/
I have seen a lot of books and articles that have been written about grief and many of them use a phrase I am a little uncomfortable with, "living through grief". Now, I totally appreciate the message being conveyed but the word through' suggests there is a definitive end to the process of grieving. A re-emerging on the other side, a washing away of feelings that are of the utmost depth.
Of course, for some, bereavement and tragedy visits with a frequency that seems a little beyond the call of duty, but call it does. I knew a lady who before she reached old age and illness lost two husbands, several siblings and her only son. There are masses around the world that have endured and are enduring even greater losses.
It is almost certain that the majority of us will have an encounter with grief at some point and the heartbreaking symptoms and emotions of being left behind are varied and unpredictable. There are however, strands of familiarity that many of us can identify with, aside from a general sadness and loss. Following are just a few of them.
Shock It is not restricted to those that have lost someone suddenly or dramatically and there is no time limit for how long shock can be felt. For a loved one that may have been at your side for years to be no longer there, leaving a space that simply cannot be filled.
Numbness Physically and emotionally numb and a strange sense of distorted reality that seems difficult to shake off and emptiness is closely related to this overwhelming numbing feeling. "Why are the birds singing happily this morning? Why can't they show some respect? Don't they know what's happened?"
Despair Even those with great faith can experience the darkness and fear that arrives with despair. Sleep, when found (that's a completely different article), is often a great refuge and can be craved for those fleeting moments when everything "feels ok" again before awakening to another dawn of reality.
Questions Why? What for? What's the point? How will I? How can I? How dare he/she? These questions are likely to be amongst many others that are asked through periods of anger, confusion, resentment and utter disbelief.
Loneliness While grieving as a group or a family and trying to show a united front, personally the pain can still feel totally isolating as each goes through a different emotion at a different time. Sometimes, loneliness can lead to selfishness as we look only inward at our own pain, overlooking the sadness of those around us.
Illness Living with grief can take its toll physically and mentally, often resulting in forms of depression, anxiety and stress. Unfortunately it often takes us a long time to recognise this and we may require the intervention of those around us to help.
Well meaning people often say, "It gets easier" or "time is a great healer" and other such, usually, badly timed pearls of wisdom. Let's not criticise them too much though, because they are probably spot on in many cases and are likely speaking from experience, but when you are living with your grief and time does seem to be standing still, normality is the last thing you can or want to imagine.
The pain of losing someone we love dearly, according to, well, a lot of people, never leaves completely. The days may become more bearable and life, at least on the surface is resumed but in remembrance the pain and devastation remain as sharp as ever.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)People experience, to different degrees of course, those same feelings of shock, numbness, despair etc., when a friendship ends, with the loss of a job, or with the loss of something they were once passionate about. It's difficult to know how to support or comfort someone dealing with a loss of any kind. Like you mentioned, to say "it gets easier' or 'time is a great healer' isn't something they want to hear. I guess all we can do is be there to listen and allow them to deal with their grief in their own way and in their own amount of time. A very heartfelt, well written piece Julian.Thanks Brianna, for the comment, You make a very good point when you say,"I guess all we can do is be there to listen and allow them to deal with their grief in their own way and in their own amount of time" I was going to do another article about dealing with grief from the outside looking in, but you probably just summed it up in this one sentence! Thanks again, Julian
Hi Julian.The emptiness, the "hole in my stomach", the feeling of being not whole again, are feelings so difficult to comprehend. Time stood still, then the healing process, which to me seemed forever, the realization that God giveth and God taketh, and then living again.Thanks for writing this well-written article.Best to you and yours,NenitaHi Nenita, Thanks for spending a few moments reading and commenting, much appreciated. I guess I was just hoping some people could relate to the emotions described in the article, and perhaps dispell the myth a little bit, that grieving has a "best before" date attatched to it. Thanks again, Julian
Thanks for that article, maybe not such a coincidence I found it. I lost my 82 year old dad 6 weeks ago and I can't seem to get out of this hole that I feel like I'm in. It's like a part of me is missing. The numbness is what I identify with as most days it is easier than feeling. I'm sure some days the tears will never stop. As you say, everyone says it is a process and will get better. Most people just don't want to talk about it so most things get left unsaid. I'm waiting for the day I wake up and I'm at peace with his passing and I don't feel this hole in my life anymore.Hi Lynn, thanks for spending a moment to read this article and to leave a comment. I am so sorry for your recent loss and I can relate to that numbness you now feel. My thoughts are with you and the many others who are grieving right now. Julian
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